Bake’s Take: Hellow, Orld!

Lets get this straight right off the crack bat:

Im not one for punctuation or speling or any of that othjer namby-pamby stuff. Im all about ballin’, be it with goats or pigs or horses.

That’s right, I’ll play sofgtball with anyone whose wants to meets me on the elegiac emerald green cheesboadrd. EVEN MEDIA people, who have plenty of time on their hands these days since none of them is oworking.

I’m BAKE MCBRIDE, I’m a real modern day swinger, and this is my colum BAKE’S TAKE.

So this weekly bushel of incites intot the game of media softyball will be from the hearte with nothing between us but my ribs cage and about 20 layers of six pack and your eyeballs and the internet and a computer screen. NOTHING ELSE!!!!!

Illl leave all that factcheking and spilling to the alternative weakelies and just do it like my good friends at Express do and just EXPRESS YOURSELF MYSELF!!! My boy friday Chip will do all the computering for me so i can just THINK OUT LOUD. Though i’d appreacite it if he’d wear something other than a thongy adult onesie so I dont BARFS OUTS LOUD.

He’res my tempeterature of the team, taken at a recnt practice with a giant thermostat: HOTTT.

We will had only one practice only before first game, which is all we need for mercy rule to kick in, and hears who showed up forit:

» Team dinger leader, modern day Rob Deer, non-base-toucher, severe hammy puller and devastaltingly handsome man Christofpher OWWWW OH EFFFF MEEE Porter

» Dr. andrea and Dr. Andy, the most devastating husband and wife combo baseball’s seen since Trammel and Whitaker!!! Plus Babyette Andyrea showeed she had a good right arm for a 5months old and Young Vance showed so much skill that, despite being 3 years odl, might want to get a notebook and a PRESS fedora and sign up for media leafigue softyball because he’d problyab bat FOURTH for Express!!!

» Sports editor Ian COLLIE HERB Herbert, who has a silky smooth swing not seen since TOni Tony Tone did that duet with Tone-Loc — in Chip’s adult diaper onesies dreams, that is. Ian looked in midseason form during practice which is to say he looked like in preseason form. (Which is of course HIGHLY moisturized for GAMPLAY).

» Dustin THA WEAVE Weaver, who shared a bottle of SPF 1,000 with Christopher and then proceeded to RIP DINGERS like COLONOL KLINGER!!! That’s right, he was M*A*S*H-ing!!!!

» Alyce Jones, new assist. art director and, it appears, she’ll be the Dottie Hinson to Scott McCarthy’s Jimmy Dugan. Welcommoenend Aborad, Slugger! as they say in Germnay!

So like Express itself, this column will NEVER take me more than 20 minutes for you to read / decipoher, or for me to write — and clang-clan-clang went the trolley bell. My time’s up and life’s on deck.

See you in the Wheatofn Forest this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!