Height: Medium
Weight: Medium
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
Born: unknown
College: unknown
Draft: 2007
Dan was abandoned at birth sometime in the late ’60s and raised by a pack of wild greyhounds in the forest of Massachusetts. He gnawed his first softball bat out of driftwood at age two. At age six, having acquired language by eavesdropping on the employees of a nearby newspaper plant, he invented the free daily using oak leaves and berry juice. His idea was later stolen by Metro, a European conglomerate bent on world domination via subliminal messages hidden in poorly edited wire copy and garish display type.
Later, as Editor in Chief of the Washington Post Express, he made his adoptive parents proud by joining the newspaper’s softball team and proving to be its fastest baserunner. He holds the record for the shortest-hit single in MMSL history and is a threat to reach first every time he swings as long as he remembers not to throw the bat at the ump. His 60-foot dash time is 2.23 seconds, though his speed is amazingly not an asset in the outfield because he has no idea where the ball is going.
The 2009 season looks to be a big one for Dan. It’s his first playing with progressive lenses, which are like trifocals but sound less like old people. Also, he is having a child.
| Year | G | PA | AB | 1B | 2B | 3B | HR | BB | HBP | SAC | RoEr | K | R | RBI | Hits | Avg. | OBP | SLG | OPS |
| 2007 | 12 | 25 | 24 | 7 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 7 | .292 | .360 | .292 | .652 |
| 2008 | 12 | 30 | 21 | 8 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 4 | 1 | 3 | 8 | .381 | .367 | .381 | .748 |
| 2009 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2 | 1 | .333 | .750 | .333 | 1.083 |
| Career | 26 | 59 | 48 | 16 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 5 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 16 | .333 | .390 | .333 | .723 |
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