Height and weight: Cannot be divulged without compromising state secrets
Bats: With a stick
Throws: Poorly
Born: September 4, 1984 in Minneapolis, Minn.
College: Adelphi “We don’t embezzle any more” University
Drafted: 2009, round 5
Ever since bursting onto the D.C. journalism scene with a sidebar in Express on blue exfoliating shower gel, Rachel has been ignoring Holly Morris’s groveling pleas to join the Minutemen longed to join the Minutemen. Eager to accumulate as many women as possible so she herself would never have to play, Morris sensed Rachel’s indifference talent and vowed to withhold freelance payments until she acquiesced woo her aggressively.
Soon Rachel was a woefully underpaid slave to the whims of Express editors star freelancer, working well over the bizarrely arbitrary 22.5 hour/month minimum for Metropolitan Media Softball League eligibility.
As a 2009 draftee, Rachel is horrified thrilled to channel her hatred of team sports inner sports goddess toward the goal of not being horribly injured Minutemen victory.
| Year | G | PA | AB | 1B | 2B | 3B | HR | BB | HBP | SAC | RoEr | K | R | RBI | Hits | Avg. | OBP | SLG | OPS |
| 2009 | 10 | 19 | 16 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 1 | .063 | .211 | .063 | .273 |
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