Height: 6-foot-1
Weight: ~18 stones
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
Born: April 15, 1986 in Baltimore, Md.
College: Columbia University
Draft: Miller Genuine
John may share his birthplace (Baltimore) and original team affiliation (the Orioles) with Babe Ruth, but that’s where the similarities end. In his brief and sputtering baseball career, he has consistently defiled the game, shamed his team, and brought athletic ignominy upon his family.
His disaster of a career began 1994 in the Rosedale Rec League. Though he showed early promise as a catcher for the Orioles, John found himself gradually demoted to positions farther and farther away from the ball. In 1995, he played 2nd base for the Royals, who eked out a World Series win in spite of him. In 1996, he was relegated to the outfield for the Pirates, who crashed and burned in the first round of the playoffs. In 1997, a reconstituted Pirates team — determined to rebound from its loss — racked up a single victory on the season. John anchored the team from deep right field.
From 1998 to 2000, John floundered in the Gilman Middle School intramural baseball program, the highlight of which was watching two coaches engage in a shouting match over whether he had been safe at first. (John’s coach lost the argument, stormed off the field, and retired from coaching at the end of the year. John holds himself responsible for this development.)
In 2001, John made one last, desperate attempt at reviving his baseball career by joining the Gilman Fresh/Soph baseball team. The details are too harrowing to recount here, but suffice it to say that his attempt failed spectacularly. At the end of the season, John hung up his glove and moved onto a far more lucrative sport: Water Polo.
But John just couldn’t leave it there — for reasons passing understanding, he now finds himself in a softball league, apparently hellbent on embarrassing everyone remotely associated with him.
| Year | G | PA | AB | 1B | 2B | 3B | HR | BB | HBP | SAC | RoEr | K | R | RBI | Hits | Avg. | OBP | SLG | OPS |
| 2009 | 15 | 31 | 30 | 10 | 3 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 3 | 5 | 9 | 13 | .433 | .452 | .533 | .985 |
See all stories featuring John.
See all photos featuring John.